hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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