yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
