never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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