this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
