i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
