i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
