you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I think i got beer on your cat.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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