i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
