I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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