Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
