At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
