This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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