Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I puked a lego.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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