I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
