yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
