Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
