masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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