Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
