remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
