tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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