I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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