kristin has been a bad kristin
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
