I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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