Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
