get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
