don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
