I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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