I skipped work to stalk him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
