We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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