sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
