I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
