Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm both gender and math confused
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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