Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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