Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
