i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
