I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
