i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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