Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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