Your face is a jimmy john
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
