Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
