She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
