I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
