i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
