Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
