just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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