Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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