The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My balls are so social today.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
