This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
