I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
