I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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