ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
