I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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