why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
