well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
